A Starfish, Not a Monster: Mark Becker's Story As Told By His Mother

It was a rainy evening on September 9th, 2014. For me, this was a chance of a lifetime, especially in the frame of mind I've been in to reach out and break down the stereotypes of disabilities. I sat down in a pew at the Ankeny United Methodist Church to hear Joan Becker, the mother of Mark Becker, who is most well-known for shooting and killing the hometown football coach of Parkersburg Iowa, Ed Thomas. To the media and public, this is Mark's persona, but to his mother, this is not the definition of Mark. And it shouldn't be for you or me either.

Now, to be completely transparent, when I originally heard about this story, and then later found out that Mark was claiming insanity, (bear in mind, I was not working with adults with mental health disabilities at this time) I thought to myself, "of course, now he pleads insanity. Come on, where were his parents at?" And if you were to be brutally honest, many of you thought the same thing. Maybe you still do. I can tell you for sure, I don't think that anymore.

Joan is a very pleasant woman, and even telling such a terrible tragic tale, Joan told it with grace and poise unlike anyone I'd ever seen. She explained very clearly the attempts her and her husband made to be apart of Mark's mental health care. She explained how Mark, being an adult, refused to sign the HIPPA paperwork for Joan and her husband to be involved and she explained how the providers didn't do much to assist in getting them involved. In fact, she was pretty adamant that the providers would rather them not be a part of it.

The story went on through a roller coaster with ups and downs, and plenty of loops. It weaved through health care providers, law enforcement, interventions from family members. You name it, the Beckers went through it. What struck me the most is what happened the night before the shooting took place. 

Mark had been in a hospital receiving treatment and unbeknownst to Joan and her husband, he had been released. Now, since Joan was a part of Mark's paranoia, the sheriff of the town said it would be best if Joan stay away from Mark, but when a mother hears a phone ring at 10:30 at night from a son saying, "mom, I'm released from the hospital and I don't have a key to my apartment. Can I stay with you and dad?" what is that mother supposed to do? 

The Beckers attempted multiple times reaching the provider currently working with Mark. Every attempt to reach his counselor through the On Call night staffer was met with, "I'm sorry, you will have to call back tomorrow at 8:30am." So without any luck there, they decided to carefully let him stay with them and planned for Joan to be as far away as possible. They all slept that night and early the next morning, Joan headed to work in Ames. Dave headed to his job with the intention of calling back the providers that handled Mark's case. But when he was attempting to make the calls, his boss came in and said, "Hey, did you hear someone shot Coach Ed?" Of course, Dave thought to himself, "ok, small town, rumors fly." But then Dave got a call from his neighbor, saying that he'd better get home because there were law enforcement all over his yard. That's when Dave knew that Mark was involved.

Now Joan discovered a little later and it wasn't until the court hearing that Mark discussed how he had felt that God had told him to shoot the coach and his parents, as he believed they were involved in a conspiracy to hurt the children in Parkersburg. What blows my mind in all of this is that he had been through so many providers and different types of treatment. He was not medicated and was not even diagnosed until after this tragedy. This was a shameful view of the Mental Health Care situation being faced in Iowa and around the country.

Nobody sees the day to day struggles these men and women face, and their families for that matter. If they did, there would be reform tomorrow, guaranteed. Not many people look in the face of a person who admits to having a mental illness, or who it is apparent that he/she is suffering from a mental illness, and thinks, "how can I help him/her?" , and most of the time it is a look of disgust. It is a "move away as quickly as you can and don't look him/her in the eye" type of reaction. And that needs to change. A person struggling with a mental illness needs understanding. He/she needs compassion. We need to change the stigma associated with this issue and face facts that a human being is a human being and if we can show compassion for someone with a heart condition, then we sure as hell can show compassion for someone with a mental illness!!! We live in a more tolerable society then has ever been, some good and some bad. But this issue still remains in a closet with a locked door and the key thrown down a dark alley infested with rats!

There are too many good people being ill affected by our lack of concern for these people with mental health disabilities. If we are going to start thinking People First, then we must disassociate all stigmas and stereotypes that go with a person dealing with a mental illness. What most people don't understand is that a person who suffers from Paranoid Schizophrenia, like it was finally discovered with Mark Becker, does not immediately qualify him/her as a murderer or psychopath. Many people who deal with this and receive proper medication and counseling live very successful lives. 

I asked Joan at the end of her talk if she could give me a nugget as a provider from a guardian. She said, "The rudeness I came across when dealing with providers on the phone... (paraphrased)...if you’re too tired to do your job right, then have the graciousness to do something else." And that sticks with me. In Iowa we are understaffed and under budget in this area, so that means there are not many people out there, doing what we do. But if I lose my compassion and become robotic in my dealings, I need to take Joan's advice. I don't want to be there. So I will remember Joan's face with every client I deal with. I will think of Mark and many others who the system have failed and I will remember the story of the starfish, and I'll end with this...

A boy came across a multitude of starfish that had been washed up on the beach and would soon be baked by the hot sun. Without thinking the boy begins picking up the starfish one by one and chucking them back into the sea. Before long an old man comes down the beach and sees these thousands of starfish on the beach, and this boy hurling swiftly, one by one, starfish back to the ocean. The man chuckles at himself and yells to the boy, "hey, look at the thousands of starfish on this beach. You will never be able to throw all them back in time. It's pointless. What's it matter?" The boy then looks at the starfish he has in his hand which he is about to throw and he holds it up and responds, "Yeah, I know that, but it matters to this one!"

Please join the People First Project and remember; we still have so many starfish to get back to the sea. 

Lindsey's Story: Breaking Down Stereotypes

"Hello friends. I am very happy that today I can share with you a story from a good friend of mine's fiance, Lindsey Moss. I think you will really enjoy her words and will be impressed by her openness and honesty about her diagnoses. This is exactly what we need to break down the stigmas that surround Mental Health disabilities and all other disabilities for that matter. Enjoy and please pass this on. And if you have a story of your own to share, please feel free to send it to yeshuawing@gmail.com.
Thanks for sharing your heart Lindsey!"

I was diagnosed with depression, generalized anxiety, and ADHD my sophomore year of high school. I was one of those students who was in the top of the class and didn't have to study or even really pay attention to get good grades but I always had a difficult time connecting with other kids. My interests were all over the board so I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere and I also had impulse control issues that came out when I was trying to talk to people. I would often hurt peoples' feelings because I would say mean things without truly realizing what I said and that someone was hurt because of it. I started taking advanced placement classes in 10th grade and that is when I realized that something was really off. I was having an incredibly hard time in class, almost to the point of failing my classes, and I didn't know what was wrong. I was one of the 'smart kids' so it was incredibly difficult to get any help from my teachers. I was also having suicidal thoughts, major insomnia problems and major mood swings. It took me going to my school counselor and finally telling him all of this before I was able to start getting the help that I needed from my family. The school really didn't do much to help me besides talk to my parents the one time. I went and saw a children's therapist where I was given my diagnoses. I went through family therapy with my parents to help with our communication because we were fighting constantly and there was always tension in the household.

I struggled throughout the rest of high school because I wasn't doing too much to actually manage the problems except for taking some medications and doing a little bit of therapy. I ended up graduating 10th in my class and was accepted into a private college with many scholarships.

It wasn't until a few years later in college and after a major breakup that I really started doing research and soul-searching to understand what was going on. I started seeing some new people who got me on new medications and got me into some more personal therapy. I went off my medications for a while and it started to show in my school work. I struggled immensely and, again, was on the verge of failing. I was really depressed, which was causing me to have sleep issues again, and I couldn't force myself to study or even really take care of myself beyond the very basics. I got back on my medications and started doing little things to help myself, such as learning meditation and relaxation techniques, learning study and focusing techniques, and putting myself in new situations to help with my social anxiety. Making myself go new places by myself had a positive outcome, because I met my fiance at a place that I normally would have been too scared to go to. It has been very difficult and I have lost some jobs over my focus and impulse issues. I had a complete anxiety meltdown at one of my jobs that required me to go on medical leave for a week. Another time I lost my job over my ADHD and I broke down, went into a deep depression, and wanted to give up on everything. I did an outpatient therapy group for 12 weeks that changed my life. I felt like I could open up completely and for once, I didn't feel like I had to hide any part of my personality. I was surrounded by people who understood exactly what I was going through and it was amazing to not feel alone. If I could go back to this group, I would do it in a heartbeat. Going through this group made me really realize the importance of educating people who don't understand mental disorders and gave me the passion to do that wherever I could.

I still struggle with my disorders on a daily basis. It very often puts strain on my relationships, especially with my fiance, because he has never been around any of this. I understand this and I do what I can to try and help him not be confused or scared of these things. He has done very well, and it especially shows when I have an anxiety attack. He is there for me no matter what. I have my good days and my bad days, but I have surrounded myself with people who are positive influences on my life. I try to play to my strengths and understand my weaknesses, so that I can be as successful and happy as I can. I love animals, a big heart, and a fairly strong stomach, so I became a veterinary technician. I have a Associates in Applied Sciences in veterinary technology, a vocal music minor and half a B.S. in Psychology. I am proud of what I have done despite the roadblocks, setbacks, and walls that have been thrown in front of me. I am not ashamed of what I have to go through and am actually very open about it with people. I understand that this is something that can't be 'cured', only managed, and that it will be a lifelong struggle, and all I can do is make the most of it.

Fireworks!

I wrote this blog post a few years back, while I was working direct for Candeo. I was able to visit a karaoke venue where adults with disabilities would get to cut loose! It was a blast. But this particular story will always stick out in my mind.

So Katy Perry has this song. It's called "Firework". No this is not a staple in my cd player, but I did work at a high school for 5 years, so give me a break.I have recently began a new juncture in my life working for a company as a Community Living Instructor for people with intellectual and mental health disabilities. This move for me has been rewarding already and I'd like to share candidly, one experience I've had. So, a couple days ago I took a few clients out to karaoke. There is a certain place where people with intellectual and mental health disabilities go to get their singin' on. You won't here this less than once, but they are just like us.
So anyway, I'm at this event, and I'm watching person after person get up and sing. I'm thinking to myself this whole time, "this is so much fun." I mean, they were having such a good time. They were jumping and singing and dancing. They could care less who was watching. One of my clients tried to get me to dance with him and I declined. I guess I was feeling a little embarrassed. But they didn't care. And, you know, they probably could care less what you or I think of them. They probably wouldn't even waste the breathe to advocate for themselves because you and I aren't worth the energy to care. They know who they are and are comfortable in their skin. But, I'm not okay with how they get treated. I'm not going to sit back and watch them get bashed because people are too ignorant to see them for who they really are.
 So...off my soapbox and back to my story. A girl's name is called. She goes up on stage and it is apparent that she can't talk very clearly, let alone sing. But she gives it all she has. The song starts. She mumbles along through the verse. A huge smile begins to appear on her face as she reaches the prechorus... "You just gotta ignite, the light and let it shine" (face is beaming) "Just own the night, like the 4th of July" (suddenly she drops the mic) Enter Chorus...She suddenly beams in laughter and begins to jump up and down to the rhythm of the music. The audience begins to clap in syncopation. She is a firework... "Cuz baby your a firework. Come on, show 'em what your worth. Make 'em go ah ah ah! As you shoot across the sky, sky, sky." All through the chorus she is jumping and we are clapping. As soon as the chorus is done, she picks up the mic and begins verse 2...And you guessed it. The chorus drops and so does her mic and the jumping begins again. She is a firework and she knows it. Two things I realized in this moment.
 1. She has gotten more applause for jumping than you or I ever have for anything we've ever done.
 2. I nor anyone else are clapping out of pity or to be nice. She knows what she's doing. There is an energy about her that makes us see who she really is. She becomes a firework before our eyes. I am a better person for having seen her jump through a chorus line than I was before I came. She made that happen. Now, I'm not going to say that everyone has to feel the way I do about people with intellectual or mental health disabilities, but I wish you could. I wish that for two seconds, you could see someone for who they truly are and not because of a label that has been placed on them. I wish you could see them as God sees them. As He allowed me to see them.
 I wish you could enjoy the fireworks!

People First...What's That?

Why am I starting a new blog, you ask? Well, I'll be glad to tell you. Working in a field where I encounter adults with disabilities on a daily basis, I always forget that not everyone has the privilege to interact with  these folks the way I get to. Also, there is a change in the air when it comes to working with these wonderful people that I'm not sure everyone is aware of.

There is a paradigm shift on how we used to provide supports for adults with disabilities and how we are doing it now. The shift highly involves inclusion and successful goal evaluation. Many providers now provide supports in a community and the clients have goals they work on on a daily basis. The main mantra of these services is for clients to be able to live a functional life within their community. The company I work for, Candeo, has a mission "To inspire our clients to achieve their personal goals". Our vision "is a community empowered by the contribution of all." Basically what we're saying is that we feel that all members of a community should not only be welcome, but that each contribution is vital for the success of that community. This includes the people I get to work with.
So that is why I'm calling this blog the "People First Project". Because it takes every member of a community to catch the concept that we are defined as people first and whatever else can be used to describe us second. I'm not asking that we ignore that there are some people who need extra assistance to succeed in a community, as the work I do would be contradictory to that mindset, but what I'm asking is that we all open our eyes to the people we interact with on a day to day basis.
If you've ever seen someone walk into a restaurant who you could tell that they could very well have a disability, and you thought to yourself, "what is he/she doing here?" this blog is for you. If you ever thought to yourself, "I wonder what is wrong with them?" This blog is for you. If you saw them and thought to yourself, "good for them, they have the right to be here just as much as I do." This blog is for you. Because it's time we recognized that our community can only thrive by the involvement of everyone in it. No one will be set aside and shut out any longer. The movement is already happening and there is nothing that can stop it now.
So, I guess the reason I want to share some of my thoughts is because, I hope to educate some, encourage others, and if necessary, shame a few...let's hope only a few.
So here it is, the People First Project. Please like and share and spread the word as I intend to share a nugget or two every week. Keep your eye out for this blog on facebook and other social networks and share the heck out of it. Because the change is already happening, but we want everyone on board for a smooth transition.

-If you have a story or thought you'd like to share regarding this project, feel free to send it to me at yeshuawing@gmail.com and I'll be sure to read them and feature them here with your permission and full credit to you. Thanks in advance for sharing!

Click here for a good resource on people first language