A Starfish, Not a Monster: Mark Becker's Story As Told By His Mother

It was a rainy evening on September 9th, 2014. For me, this was a chance of a lifetime, especially in the frame of mind I've been in to reach out and break down the stereotypes of disabilities. I sat down in a pew at the Ankeny United Methodist Church to hear Joan Becker, the mother of Mark Becker, who is most well-known for shooting and killing the hometown football coach of Parkersburg Iowa, Ed Thomas. To the media and public, this is Mark's persona, but to his mother, this is not the definition of Mark. And it shouldn't be for you or me either.

Now, to be completely transparent, when I originally heard about this story, and then later found out that Mark was claiming insanity, (bear in mind, I was not working with adults with mental health disabilities at this time) I thought to myself, "of course, now he pleads insanity. Come on, where were his parents at?" And if you were to be brutally honest, many of you thought the same thing. Maybe you still do. I can tell you for sure, I don't think that anymore.

Joan is a very pleasant woman, and even telling such a terrible tragic tale, Joan told it with grace and poise unlike anyone I'd ever seen. She explained very clearly the attempts her and her husband made to be apart of Mark's mental health care. She explained how Mark, being an adult, refused to sign the HIPPA paperwork for Joan and her husband to be involved and she explained how the providers didn't do much to assist in getting them involved. In fact, she was pretty adamant that the providers would rather them not be a part of it.

The story went on through a roller coaster with ups and downs, and plenty of loops. It weaved through health care providers, law enforcement, interventions from family members. You name it, the Beckers went through it. What struck me the most is what happened the night before the shooting took place. 

Mark had been in a hospital receiving treatment and unbeknownst to Joan and her husband, he had been released. Now, since Joan was a part of Mark's paranoia, the sheriff of the town said it would be best if Joan stay away from Mark, but when a mother hears a phone ring at 10:30 at night from a son saying, "mom, I'm released from the hospital and I don't have a key to my apartment. Can I stay with you and dad?" what is that mother supposed to do? 

The Beckers attempted multiple times reaching the provider currently working with Mark. Every attempt to reach his counselor through the On Call night staffer was met with, "I'm sorry, you will have to call back tomorrow at 8:30am." So without any luck there, they decided to carefully let him stay with them and planned for Joan to be as far away as possible. They all slept that night and early the next morning, Joan headed to work in Ames. Dave headed to his job with the intention of calling back the providers that handled Mark's case. But when he was attempting to make the calls, his boss came in and said, "Hey, did you hear someone shot Coach Ed?" Of course, Dave thought to himself, "ok, small town, rumors fly." But then Dave got a call from his neighbor, saying that he'd better get home because there were law enforcement all over his yard. That's when Dave knew that Mark was involved.

Now Joan discovered a little later and it wasn't until the court hearing that Mark discussed how he had felt that God had told him to shoot the coach and his parents, as he believed they were involved in a conspiracy to hurt the children in Parkersburg. What blows my mind in all of this is that he had been through so many providers and different types of treatment. He was not medicated and was not even diagnosed until after this tragedy. This was a shameful view of the Mental Health Care situation being faced in Iowa and around the country.

Nobody sees the day to day struggles these men and women face, and their families for that matter. If they did, there would be reform tomorrow, guaranteed. Not many people look in the face of a person who admits to having a mental illness, or who it is apparent that he/she is suffering from a mental illness, and thinks, "how can I help him/her?" , and most of the time it is a look of disgust. It is a "move away as quickly as you can and don't look him/her in the eye" type of reaction. And that needs to change. A person struggling with a mental illness needs understanding. He/she needs compassion. We need to change the stigma associated with this issue and face facts that a human being is a human being and if we can show compassion for someone with a heart condition, then we sure as hell can show compassion for someone with a mental illness!!! We live in a more tolerable society then has ever been, some good and some bad. But this issue still remains in a closet with a locked door and the key thrown down a dark alley infested with rats!

There are too many good people being ill affected by our lack of concern for these people with mental health disabilities. If we are going to start thinking People First, then we must disassociate all stigmas and stereotypes that go with a person dealing with a mental illness. What most people don't understand is that a person who suffers from Paranoid Schizophrenia, like it was finally discovered with Mark Becker, does not immediately qualify him/her as a murderer or psychopath. Many people who deal with this and receive proper medication and counseling live very successful lives. 

I asked Joan at the end of her talk if she could give me a nugget as a provider from a guardian. She said, "The rudeness I came across when dealing with providers on the phone... (paraphrased)...if you’re too tired to do your job right, then have the graciousness to do something else." And that sticks with me. In Iowa we are understaffed and under budget in this area, so that means there are not many people out there, doing what we do. But if I lose my compassion and become robotic in my dealings, I need to take Joan's advice. I don't want to be there. So I will remember Joan's face with every client I deal with. I will think of Mark and many others who the system have failed and I will remember the story of the starfish, and I'll end with this...

A boy came across a multitude of starfish that had been washed up on the beach and would soon be baked by the hot sun. Without thinking the boy begins picking up the starfish one by one and chucking them back into the sea. Before long an old man comes down the beach and sees these thousands of starfish on the beach, and this boy hurling swiftly, one by one, starfish back to the ocean. The man chuckles at himself and yells to the boy, "hey, look at the thousands of starfish on this beach. You will never be able to throw all them back in time. It's pointless. What's it matter?" The boy then looks at the starfish he has in his hand which he is about to throw and he holds it up and responds, "Yeah, I know that, but it matters to this one!"

Please join the People First Project and remember; we still have so many starfish to get back to the sea. 

Lindsey's Story: Breaking Down Stereotypes

"Hello friends. I am very happy that today I can share with you a story from a good friend of mine's fiance, Lindsey Moss. I think you will really enjoy her words and will be impressed by her openness and honesty about her diagnoses. This is exactly what we need to break down the stigmas that surround Mental Health disabilities and all other disabilities for that matter. Enjoy and please pass this on. And if you have a story of your own to share, please feel free to send it to yeshuawing@gmail.com.
Thanks for sharing your heart Lindsey!"

I was diagnosed with depression, generalized anxiety, and ADHD my sophomore year of high school. I was one of those students who was in the top of the class and didn't have to study or even really pay attention to get good grades but I always had a difficult time connecting with other kids. My interests were all over the board so I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere and I also had impulse control issues that came out when I was trying to talk to people. I would often hurt peoples' feelings because I would say mean things without truly realizing what I said and that someone was hurt because of it. I started taking advanced placement classes in 10th grade and that is when I realized that something was really off. I was having an incredibly hard time in class, almost to the point of failing my classes, and I didn't know what was wrong. I was one of the 'smart kids' so it was incredibly difficult to get any help from my teachers. I was also having suicidal thoughts, major insomnia problems and major mood swings. It took me going to my school counselor and finally telling him all of this before I was able to start getting the help that I needed from my family. The school really didn't do much to help me besides talk to my parents the one time. I went and saw a children's therapist where I was given my diagnoses. I went through family therapy with my parents to help with our communication because we were fighting constantly and there was always tension in the household.

I struggled throughout the rest of high school because I wasn't doing too much to actually manage the problems except for taking some medications and doing a little bit of therapy. I ended up graduating 10th in my class and was accepted into a private college with many scholarships.

It wasn't until a few years later in college and after a major breakup that I really started doing research and soul-searching to understand what was going on. I started seeing some new people who got me on new medications and got me into some more personal therapy. I went off my medications for a while and it started to show in my school work. I struggled immensely and, again, was on the verge of failing. I was really depressed, which was causing me to have sleep issues again, and I couldn't force myself to study or even really take care of myself beyond the very basics. I got back on my medications and started doing little things to help myself, such as learning meditation and relaxation techniques, learning study and focusing techniques, and putting myself in new situations to help with my social anxiety. Making myself go new places by myself had a positive outcome, because I met my fiance at a place that I normally would have been too scared to go to. It has been very difficult and I have lost some jobs over my focus and impulse issues. I had a complete anxiety meltdown at one of my jobs that required me to go on medical leave for a week. Another time I lost my job over my ADHD and I broke down, went into a deep depression, and wanted to give up on everything. I did an outpatient therapy group for 12 weeks that changed my life. I felt like I could open up completely and for once, I didn't feel like I had to hide any part of my personality. I was surrounded by people who understood exactly what I was going through and it was amazing to not feel alone. If I could go back to this group, I would do it in a heartbeat. Going through this group made me really realize the importance of educating people who don't understand mental disorders and gave me the passion to do that wherever I could.

I still struggle with my disorders on a daily basis. It very often puts strain on my relationships, especially with my fiance, because he has never been around any of this. I understand this and I do what I can to try and help him not be confused or scared of these things. He has done very well, and it especially shows when I have an anxiety attack. He is there for me no matter what. I have my good days and my bad days, but I have surrounded myself with people who are positive influences on my life. I try to play to my strengths and understand my weaknesses, so that I can be as successful and happy as I can. I love animals, a big heart, and a fairly strong stomach, so I became a veterinary technician. I have a Associates in Applied Sciences in veterinary technology, a vocal music minor and half a B.S. in Psychology. I am proud of what I have done despite the roadblocks, setbacks, and walls that have been thrown in front of me. I am not ashamed of what I have to go through and am actually very open about it with people. I understand that this is something that can't be 'cured', only managed, and that it will be a lifelong struggle, and all I can do is make the most of it.